Top Broom
by MakaioRed
Summary: Top Broom is the wizarding adaption of Top Gear. Join the original, but oddly familiar, Jeremy Kentson, Richard Harmon and James June, as watched by the Potter family and friends, on their quest to find broom stick perfection, and any other type of enchanted flying objects.
1. Episode 50: First TV Special

"Dad, dad," young Albus shouted, "it's starting!"

Harry was in the kitchen with Ginny, both looking for popcorn. Ginny found a bag of popcorn kernels hiding in a drawer across from the sink. Ginny handed the bag to Harry, he took it, then he leaned forward and snuck a kiss onto her hand as she was pulling it back.

Albus had called Harry because their, and James', favorite television show, Top Broom, was about to begin.

The show itself was reminiscent of a popular Muggle automobile show, except it featured brooms instead (and on the odd occasion rakes too). Ginny didn't have much fascination with the show, so she left to go up stairs to the study, where she usually read. Lilly followed her up from the lounge.

Harry shouted back, "I'm coming, just got to finish the popcorn!" He was then mentally scolding himself for having shouted to his son from another room, 'Bad manners,' he thought.

He placed a large plastic bowl on the counter and emptied out the popcorn bag. He waved his wand at the bowl and with a flash of light the kernels had popped and crackled into popcorn. There was more than enough for the three of them.

Harry stepped out the kitchen, walking into the small, cosy lounge and sat himself on his single seater couch, with James Sirius and Albus Severus adjacent to him on a three seater to the side. He took a handful of popcorn and passed the bowl to his sons. Harry was just in time for the opening credits.

The theme music, borrowed from Top Gun, blasted through the television speakers, and various brooms were shown blazing across the screen, flying through clouds, and one even flying around the moon.

After the brief introduction had passed the scene changed to that of the interior of a small warehouse. In the centre stood a tall middle aged man with curly hair, flanked by two other middle aged men, a short one will ear length hair and a taller one with shoulder length hair. The three of them were smiling while the studio audience applauded.

After the noise of the audience's claps reached an acceptable volume (one at which one could speak over), the tall man announced "Welcome to Top Broom's first television special, I'm Jeremy Kentson."

A small amount of claps emerged from behind Jeremy.

"And I'm James June," said the man with the long hair. The audience clapped again as before.

"And I'm Richard Whose-Surname-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned," the short man ended. A few claps as well as a few chuckles emerged from the audience.

Jeremy began again, "Tonight on our television special we look at the Apple iBroom," he paused, while the crowd quivered at the very mention of the iBroom. "So there's no sorcerer on a reasonably priced sweeper tonight," the tall man finished, the crowd not too distraught.

"Dad, dad, when can I get one," James, James Sirius that is, whispered, "I'll be the coolest third year at school."

Harry was hardly paying his son any attention, his attention already being paid to the iBroom, and he could feel his bank card wishing to pay even more. His jaw was wide open, and eventually he snapped back to normal and replied to his son, "That broom costs more than this entire house, sorry son, you'll have to do with your Nimbus 10K, it's still as good as new."

James grimaced. "Awww, man."

The three of them focused back onto the television, they watched as the camera focused onto Richard who announced, "Now for the start of tonight's special."

The warehouse scene diminished from sight, replaced with a bright blue sky and grassy slopes. Over the visual segment a voice narrated, "The English countryside: blue sky's, tumbling meadows, rolling hills, (rolling on the floor laughing when some gets hit by lightning), magnificent forests and endless fields. Yes, this is the perfect place for me to test Apple's first, and much hyped, broom stick."

The camera zoomed in onto a small, flat, grassy area with a tree in the centre. Richard was standing next to the tree in an English national team Quidditch uniform and holding a beautiful white broom in his right arm.

"This," he said as he started to hold up the broom, "is the fastest broom known to wizard and witch kind." Hamster began mounting his broomstick. He lifted off the ground very carefully.

"It can reach 60 miles an hour in less than two seconds." To emphasise this he began an accelerated ascent, and by the look of speed he traveled at (and the worried look on his face) he was telling the truth. Now traveling at a steady 60 miles an hour, he slowed to a halted hover and carried on with his review.

"The tail has no straw, instead hundreds of feathers taken from the silver phoenix species of birds, which is the key to the iBroom's incredible speed and acceleration."

"The speed is so great that it has been forbidden to be spoken on television, lest Grand Theft Sweeper crimes increase tenfold by midnight, when the iBroom officially goes on sale."

"The price is also so great that..." he paused with an evil grin on his face.

"He obviously has enough money to buy one," Harry quipped.

"...Awww, never mind, it's one million galleons. And that's without all the bells and whistles," finished Harmon, I mean Richard.

"Yes, you may be thinking 'But what bells and whistles?' and I'd firstly say this," he said as he pushed a button on the upper hilt of the iBroom.

The sound of distorted guitar strings surged through the air. "Shook me alllll niiiiight long..." a voice screeched, while Richard bobbed his head to the drum beat. He pressed the button again, and silence returned to the land of the hearing (or to those who could still hear).

"The first optional package bundles dual iSpeaker charms to the iBroom. What's special about them is that they enable anyone in a hundred mile radius to hear the music you're listening to as if they were right there." He pointed a finger to his ear, "And in stereo."

"Whoa, dad, are you sure we need the house?" asked James.

"Yeah, dad, do we?" asked Albus.

"Your mother wouldn't be able to pack her makeup onto that."

Just as Harry finished his statement, Richard announced the next optional feature, "A full make up kit with mirror kept inside the handle of the broom."

Harry frowned and hit his hand against the side of his couch, "Damn it, that thing's perfect, I bet Malfoy has one already."

"Then it also has built-in iTunes support, with USB (Universal Sorcerer Buggy) and RedTooth to transfer songs to and from the 16GiB magical flash card embedded inside."

"Next it has this fine feature, if you can afford it." He pushed another button and vanished from view.

Harry's sons gaped, "Dad, that's like your invisibility cloak"

But Harry was too mesmerised to hear a word they were saying.

Richard appeared on their screen again.

"And now that I've shown this baby off, it's time to inspect it a bit. The hand grip is, well... perfect. It magically adapts to the shape of your hand to prevent hacking off or hand aches during incredibly long journeys. It's simply amazing." Richard then walked over to a small stable with a rather dusty floor. He began sweeping,"it even fulfills it's original cleaning purposes quite well."

After sending the dust and dirt all onto the grass, he took off into the air again, "For 30 000 galleons extra you can get the iBroom 3X which is a longer version of the iBroom with enough space for three extra passengers", he winked at the magical camera. "Nothing gets better then this. Back to the studio."

"Right, well just look at the audience James, they're petrified, and they haven't seen the whole show yet," said Kentson, "even I'm feeling a bit frozen."

James rolled his eyes. "You set the aircon onto 2 degrees Celsius, you'd bloody well feel frozen you pillock."

The crowd let out a big laugh, as did Kentson, then he began his next hook. "And no broom is ever truly tested until it's taken to our test track and handed over to our Tame Racing Flyer."

The crowd gasped and cheered in an odd mixture. "Some say... " Jeremy said, raising his eye brow, "...his favorite snack is cloud," chuckles emerged as a martial artist wearing orange entered everyone's minds, "while others say his first name really is 'The'."

Richard paused waiting for laughter to come, and it did, in small waves of chuckles.

"All we know is he's called The Stig's Magical Cousin."

The warehouse disappeared from the Potter's screen again, this time replaced with a large, flat meadow with guide hoops scattered all over forming checkpoints for a circuit.

The Magical Stig stood in wizard's robes with a white racing helmet where his head should be, with the iBroom in hand. He kicked his feet into the ground and leapt up into the air.

"He's off" Jeremy shouted. And in a flash a sonic boom was heard and in less than a second the horn, which triggered when the Stig passed the finish line, sounded.

"He... he... is.. finished."

The entire studio audience, even Harry and his sons, were taken aback, stunned and gasping for air that did simply not come. Jeremy was left speechless and even looked a bit lightheaded.

Eventually he said, "It's a new record, it beat the Nimbus EX by twenty whole seconds, amazing!"

James June then added a remark of his own, "I tell you now, the Cool Wall won't have anything else on there but this."

The camera was pointing in all directions, trying to capture the pure awe on each face in the crowd. Finally it centred on Jeremy again and he said, "And with that bombshell it's time to end."

As he finished, the Top Gun theme music played while the credits scrolled down the television screen.

Harry got up and ran out of the lounge. "I've got to get to Gringotts," he shouted.


	2. Episode 56: Ethekwini

It was school time when Harry and Ginny visited Ron and Hermione, leaving the couples almost devoid of parenting responsibilities (though Lily was at a sleepover). Standing in Ron's kitchen and drinking Firewiskey, Harry told his best friend of what happened to him when he tried to get to Gringotts after he saw the iBroom on Top Broom. Near the end of his story he said, "It was terrible, I think I was itchy all over for weeks. How was I to know Ginny was in the kitchen?"

Ron laughed hard at Harry's story; then said, "You should know not to tempt Ginny, she's always been good at hexes."

"Yes, you're right," Harry agreed. "We had a bit of trouble getting here, the police officer we asked for directions from thought we had gone bonkers when we said we were looking for Memory Lane."

"It happens all the time."

"Ron it's starting!" shouted Hermione from the lounge. She turned into quite the Top Broom fan after watching the first episode with Ron (though he thought it amazingly ironic of her), and eventually she turned Ginny into a fan too.

Harry took a tray of rice crispy squares that he had made at home with him to the lounge, with Ron not far behind.

"Snacks!" he called, while walking into the lounge and putting the tray on the coffee table.

"Oh, yummy!" cheered Ginny, while getting up and grabbing a piece (or two), as did Hermione.

"He's getting good at this baking story isn't he?" Ginny asked, with an air of brag.

Hermione gave raised a thumb and said, "Hmmm, mmm, I'll say."

Harry and Ron sat down next to their respective partners on the large sofa in the lounge. Everyone was facing a large white panel at the opposite end of the lounge. Ron and Hermione used a magical projector instead of a television, the result was the same, just much larger and three dimensional. Wizard television was still a new, growing fad, but Ron had made sure he bought top of the range equipment.

The show started and the two couples were greeted with the Top Broom introduction. By now Top Broom had its own theme, instead of a borrowed one, and it had the funky sound of 'Millionaires against Hunger'.

As the music began to fade, Jeremy's voice became audible through the speakers. "Tonight, I fly a Firewind and get stuck in South Africa, James chats up a professor and Richard kicks a bucket."

The opening introduction drifted away and was replaced with the (same) standard scene of the English countryside (commonly used by the Warlock BBC), with Jeremy dressed in race robes. He then started, "Not all brooms are created equal, as we saw several weeks ago with the iBroom. However the Germans could not stand for this and thus BMW (Broom, Mage and Wind) have released something to knock the iBroom off of its 'Fastest Broom Ever' pedestal. Allow to introduce the BMW Firewind M5.

"Now you may be thinking that I'm going to fly this around the English countryside with the cute little flowers and sheep dogs, foxes and budgies. Well, in a way.

"To prove that brooms are in fact the ultimate way to travel, I'm going to have a small race. I'll be competing against several other hapless competitors using various other non-broom forms of transport. First, using the Floo Network, we have Alice... Diggory. You're not related to Cedric are you?"

Alice Cull- I mean Diggory stood with a smile on her face and then said, "I'm Ed... I mean Ced's long lost step sister."

"Then we have Aladdin the six hundredth on a magic carpet. Nice pecs by the way."

Aladdin's face flashed red. "What!"

Jeremy was quick to do damage control on his comment, by saying, "Oh sorry, as you young people like to put it, no homo."

"Okay, I see now," the young prince descendant said in relief. "Whew!"

"Then we have Marty McFly junior in some futuristic flying Delorean."

"Cars rule!" Marty shouted.

"No they don't. Finally we have Gotenks, on a flying cloud. For safety concerns there will be no apparition, so I say it's lost already as a mode of transport. The destination of the race is a small skyscraper with a Top Broom billboard in the city of Durban, South Africa. Right everybody, on your marks, get set, go!"

The contestants all flew off, and around the world they were going to go, to a fairly well known city called Durban. Of course only one could be the winner. While flying, Jeremy explained the various features of the Firewind M5.

"Now it may be the iBroom killer, as BMW thinks, but it actually comes with less than the iBroom. It's hard to class this broom; the iBroom was a really advanced and fast luxury broom. Thus, though mainly because of its speed, the Top Broom team dubbed it a super broom. The BMW doesn't have the luxury part, but it does have the speeds, so, for all intents and purposes, it is a super broom.

"It doesn't come with make up for your wife, an EX version for more passengers, and it hardly has any thatch so it's pathetic for sweeping. But, I must say despite all that, it is pure broom bliss. The ride comfort is abysmal. Though, I must say, the lack of comforts actually adds to the experience. You can feel your hands ache form the constant redirection of the broom. The handle feels like it might rip through your body at any moment, and it's that feeling that increases the thrill. I cannot actually say what the speed of the broom is because it has been forbidden by the Ministry of Magic, much like the iBroom. I can say though that the top speed is slightly higher. However it is a bit sloppy in turning. "

By the time Jeremy had said the word 'sloppy', he had reached the tall skyscraper that held the finish line of the race. He then landed on top of the building, passed through the line and waved at a camera, feeling smug having reached the end of the race first. So he was alone, though a mere second later Alice Cull- I mean Diggory arrived at the finish line, as well the magic carpet and the flying car. The cloud with Gotenks was nowhere to be seen.

"I guess that means brooms are the best, if you can afford a super broom. This one is seven hundred thousand galleons, so it is well within the reach of iBroom haters or anyone of that sort."

All of a sudden Marty screamed, "If I cannot be the champion of this race I will explode and take you all with me," while taking off his pants revealing a stick of dynamite, with its fuse set alight, attached to his boxers.

"Eat my Taser!" Aladdin shouted pulling out a small stun gun from his pocket and shooting the crazy McFly with it.

When Marty fell to the floor, Alice took the stick of dynamite and attached it to the Firewind and sent into the air without a rider. It exploded, causing some great fireworks in the sky.

Jeremy trembled out of shock, and he had no way of getting back home now (because he would only fly brooms). "Oh well, I guess I need some R and R, so I'll be staying in Durban a bit, so back to the studio."

James laughed at his colleague's predicament, and then, ignoring it, pressed on with the show. "Well... You know that's a great broom, it even makes a good firework display, but I also quite like that carpet, it seems spacious for a small family."

"Yes," Richard said, "but only if they can keep their balance, most accidents involve overloading of carpets, so viewers bear that in mind."

The camera then zoomed in on a slightly unrelated message that read "Don't smoke and fly, drink and drive"

The camera zoomed out again and focused on James June. "Yes, please take care when it comes to overloading, because there are only so many variations of the same function I can take." James then breathed in and said, "Now because Jeremy is in Durban, probably getting a tan or robbed or whatever, I will interview tonight's guest. He is famous for killing a great big snake. And no, not Jonah Falcon's."

Most of the older members of the crowd laughed at the joke, while most of the younger members whipped out their phones to google Jonah Falcon. The camera zoomed in and out of the crowd to capture the smirking faces, while James carried on with the introduction. "He currently teaches at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he is none other than Neville Longbottom."

The crowd roared and applauded the wizard who came along a side path through the crowd and sat himself down on a couch with James sitting across from him.

"Hello there," James welcomed.

Neville's face lit up as he said, "Hi, great to be here!"

"It's great to have you. Let's start shall we? You're teaching at Hogwarts, congratulations."

"Thank you, I've always liked children, and now every day I get to see them, and smell them, and dream about... I said all that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yes, quite a bit too much information there. So personal life: we heard you're going out with someone, is she someone we know?"

"Well, I would tell you, if I knew myself. You see the author of this story was too lazy to find a pairing for me, so for all I know I could be humping Godzilla."

"Again, too much information. So brooms: your history starts off pretty bad."

"Indeed, I started out with an old Comet 260, but then I managed to get hold of a Comet 320. Eventually I got stoned and crashed it, so my friends helped me enchant ... something for me to fly with. I've used 'that' ever since."

"Hey," Harry said, "he means us mate!"

"Yeh, he does," Ron agreed, blushing slightly. The two witches on either side of them said nothing, but noticed the small blushes.

"What exactly is that 'thing' you're talking about? We're always keen to hear about new items that have been used for flying."

"A... really long vibabra-d-di-si-s-dia."

"Sorry, what? I didn't get that."

"A vibrator, a really long one, about a metre. I nicked it from the principal's office when I was still a student back at Hogwarts and I'd kept it ever since."

The studio microphones nearly exploded from the clipping brought forth from the massive amounts of laughter erupting through the volcano of embarrassment.

At Ron's home, both Ginny and Hermione were rolling on the floor laughing, particularly laughing at their husbands. "You enchanted a vibrator to fly!" Ginny cried.

In both his and Harry's defence, Ron said, "We didn't know what it was at the time, Neville wrapped it up, at least that explains the noises we heard after we left his dorm."

"You think we'd fall for that?" Hermione said.

Harry then grumpily said, "Let's just watch, okay."

James had to stop himself from laughing, so that he could finally say, "Right, again, perhaps too much, do you want to know what your lap time is?"

James looked up to see that Neville had vanished, probably having apparated somewhere else. "Do you think the producers will cut that bit out, Richard?"

The short man said, "I don't know, but I guess it's now time for my segment of the show tonight. Because we assumed we wouldn't have finished the interview by now, it was quite short. I was given the small task of kicking a bucket. But instead, to make it a bit longer, I'm going to make it more interesting."

Richard pointed to the wall revealing a soccer goal net and a bucket positioned several metres away. "I will kick a bucket to try and defeat our fearless, ever ready goal keeper-who I will introduce now-, while James tries to knock a beater into the very same net on foot."

Richard then walked forward, the camera zooming in on him for effect, and then said, "Time introduce our keeper. Some say fan girls pair him seductively with his other cousins, while others say he is Jonah Falcon's grandson, all we know is, he's called the... hang on... where is he? He's been stolen. Help The Stig's Magical Cousin has been stolen."

The entire crowd dispersed and left the warehouse. Both James and Richard, along with several other background crew members had a quick look for The Stig, who was not anywhere to be seen.

James then jumped up in front of one of the camera's and said, "Well, seeing as one of presenters is in darkest Africa, and the other has been stolen, on those two bombshells I think it's time to end."


	3. Episode 57: New Riders

A house with a garden, such a blessing. And said garden is even more of a blessing when it has a bench contained within as well. Harry sat beside his wife on the bench, both gazing at roses in full bloom. The sun had kissed the two Potters and their skin, while they sent their thoughts through the cracks of time. Ginny then gave Harry a not-so-subtle gesture which turned his ears red.

Harry's eyebrow twitched upwards and his eyes seemed to spiral through his glasses. "You want to do it now?" he asked.

Ginny nodded in approval. "Ever since Hermione showed me the light, so to say, I've grown quite fond of sticks. And the kids aren't here."

"Oh, I guess if no one's going to notice." Harry took Ginny's hand and led her through the back door, passed through the house and entered the lounge. The young couple affectionately sat down on a double couch leaning back, held in each other's arms.

It was Ginny's turn for her ears to turn red when she said, "You want to... you know... do the honour."

"For you, my dear," Harry whispered, "anything."

Harry leaned over and brushed his lips smoothly over Ginny's cheeks, then extended his arm and reached his hand out for the television remote. With the swift motion of his opposable thumb, he turned the TV on. Now really, what were you thinking they were going to do?

Through the television speakers a voice of melancholy rang through. "Tonight on Top Broom: a memorial for The Stig."

The cameras absorbed the lifeless warehouse; no crowd in sight. Various signs with the word 'quarantine' were splattered all over. Top Broom's three presenters stood near one of the walls of the warehouse. Their faces were full of stubble; sadness almost looked like it had penetrated their eyes. Behind them a small fire burnt and caught within the flames was a white race helmet on a pike.

James lifted a tissue to wipe away a tear, no, wait, he blew his nose instead. "He was one of the finest flyers we'd ever had on the show. Richard, have you some words to say?"

"Yes," Richard Harmon agreed. "Some words."

"Er, thank you Richard," said Jeremy. "Gentlemen if you would be so kind as to take out your magic sticks."

The three presenters took out their wands and raised them to the air. Then they each sent up sparks to the sky.

After the small display of sparks had finished, the fired died. Richard turned to face the camera. He had a face full of rage, with even more coming through with his words as he said, "Now, which ever fan girl took our Stig, I hope you make him happy, otherwise we'll send our new flyer off to hunt you down."

"Now, now Richard, don't get so het up," said James, while patting his friend's shoulder. "On that note, I am pleased to announce our new flyer. Some say Shrek lies beneath his mask, while others say that his cape is in fact his hair. All we know is that he's Darth Vader's cousin!"

Of course no cheers came, because there was no crowd. Unlike Stig, Vader could talk. "I find your lack of crowd disturbing," he said, while breathing loudly, and constantly, every few moments.

"Don't get any ideas," James warned, "you said something like that to someone before you choked them with your magic. You can't choke us or anything like that; it's in your contract."

"But after hours," said the Dark Lord, while winking secretly beneath his helmet, "I can still _be your father, _if you know what I mean."

"You're fired!"

"Nooooooooooooooo," the former Skywalker screamed, while he was tugged away by several burly security guard-looking types.

Jeremy then piped up with, "I had a feeling this would happen so I hired a backup."

"You did?" both James and Richard asked in unison.

"Well, maybe not quite hired, but he's here now," Jeremy answered. "Some say his first name rhymes with polony, and that he _really_ does have a big mammary-like tube in his chest, all we know is he's called Iron Man's non-magical, but very technological, cousin!"

Iron Man's cousin, who was a splitting image of Iron Man right down to the molecule, walked in and raised his hands to appreciate the large crowds. He was quite disappointed when he realised there was none. "Hey, what's the big idea?"

"There was a memorial today," Jeremy answered. "Just take the Firewind and ride it to the track and test it. We needed a lap time for it an episode ago."

"Okay!" Iron Man screamed, while jetting into the air, forgetting to take the broom and breaking through the ceiling.

Jeremy pulled out a rotting Blackberry, dialled a number and then shouted, "You're fired!"

"Hold on, I think I also hired someone," said Richard. "I guess I should introduce him. Some say he has a thing for cats, and that, well, he has a thing for cats. All we know is he's Cat Woman's muggle, male cousin, who dresses like her."

"Hey, I really am Cat Woman," the man argued. He clearly was not, especially with a hairy chest and gigantic arms bulging from skin tight, and long, leather gloves. "Let me prove it," he said, taking the broom stick and sticking into a place that would otherwise work if he really was Cat Woman. Instead a loud crunch was heard followed by a scream of 'medic'.

"Quick, Richard, fire him before he can claim medical!" Jeremy shouted.

Richard lifted the pike, with the helmet atop, and placed it on Cat Woman's cousin's shoulder and said, "By the power vested in me, by my own personal majesty, I hereby fire you, cousin of Cat Woman, who is in fact a man."

The man got up and walked out of the studio sobbing, while holding onto his throbbing genitalia.

"Well, there's no one left, let me go get a beer," Jeremy said as he walked to a fridge on the corner of the studio and opened one of the double doors. He found something that the Top Broom group had been missing, and had nearly replaced. "Stig! Hey guys, he was in the fridge!"

James and Richard ran to the fridge opened the second door and pulled a very cold, but still alive Stig out of the fridge. He was shivering profusely, but a few small heat inducing spells would cure that.

Smacking his hand on his forehead, Jeremy said, "Well, on that very happy bombshell, it's time to end!"


	4. Episode 103: Toilet Humour

School is a great place to learn new things. But one of the things that most children learn how to really be good at is being rude. A prime example of this is when Albus said, "You're so stupid, that you use money as toilet paper," during an argument with his older brother.

Of course school also teaches students not to use magic out of school. James, being a soon-to-be fourth year, should have had that rule drilled into his medulla oblongata eons go. But really, with a dad like Harry, would the Potter children ever truly follow all the rules?

"Why you little..." James exclaimed while drawing his wand out against his brother. If Albus hadn't been so bewildered by his brother's actions he would have drawn his wand in defence.

Before anything could happen, luckily for Albus, their mother walked into the garden. "James Sirius Potter! Put that wand away. Do you want to be expelled!"

"No," he grumbled, while putting his wand back into his pocket, "but he started it."

"Enough, both of you then, or else you won't be allowed to watch Top Broom today."

"Crikey, we nearly forgot," the two brothers shouted together, with all prior disagreement fading into memory.

The two young Potter brothers dashed out of the garden and ran through the back door into the house. They never miss an episode when they're at home before the start of the new school year. They especially like it because they were given a chance to spend time with their parents because Harry and Ginny didn't work during the weekends.

Their sister, Lily, was in the kitchen working on a surprise, and she'd made everyone keep out of her new lair. She'd taken to baking just like her dad, and she was probably trying to show that she could make something delectable without his aid.

When Ginny arrived in the lounge and regrouped with her sons and husband, they all assembled on the couch. They began watching their average television, waiting to be absorbed into their favourite show, while subconsciously waiting for Lily's surprise.

Jeremy Kentson's voice began the show by saying, "Tonight on Top Broom: James flies a mop, Richard interviews a salesman and I have a race against a vacuum."

The television screen was filed with the sight of a great, barren desert. Waves of sand tussled against ominous dunes and ravished large yellow mounds.

James June then came into focus of the camera. "Sometimes life hands you wood," he said, trying to sound philosophical, "and you turn them into brooms. But the guys over at Harrier's and Craig's have decided that perhaps a mop should be made instead. I introduce to you, the Mop-It 220. Inspired by a certain Professor who appeared on our show a year ago, they decided try enchanting other everyday objects. And as such they have brought out the Mop-It. "

James lifted off the air and flew into the direction of a long distant pyramid. "It really is the worst thing you could possibly fly," he said with a tone of disgust. "It is slow, but that isn't what I have against it.

"Though at most you can only get ten knots out of it, if you do not have donuts residing in your stomach, and the wind is at your back. The price is reasonable, it's only one thousand galleons, but really, it truly is pointless. When flying, the rear of the mop looks it is burning, because they've added various flame-like colours to the mop head. It simply looks ghastly. Also the wood is terrible, I have splinters all over. Now with that dastardly review over, it's back to the studio."

The scene of the desert vanished, and a clapping crowd replaced it instead.

"So it's really that bad?" checked Jeremy.

"Yes, it truly is," answered James.

The camera then focused on Richard Harmon who was now sitting by the couches where visitors usually sit. "Right," he said, "it is now time to put a sorcerer on our reasonably priced sweeper. He is a salesman not well known by the many, but very popular with the few. We don't know what he sells but here he is, Vincent Crabbe!"

A short-ish, round fellow walked through the crowd along a path to meet Richard by the couches. "Thank you Richard, thank you," he said, "but I'm Gregory Goyle."

"What? I thought Goyle died."

"What have you been watching?" asked Goyle. "Crabbe is the one who died, bless his soul. Didn't you read the 'books'?"

"Er... no." Richard said, trying to figure out what books Goyle was referring to. He had been certain Goyle was the one who died in those Harry Potter FMV historical documents. "Anyway, welcome to the show. So I heard you're a salesman?"

Goyle raised his eyebrow. He didn't expect this question so soon, or at all. "Um, yes, I guess you could say that I am."

"So what do you sell?" said Richard while not registering the odd look of Goyle's face.

"Well... meat."

Richard's face lit up. "Hmmm, sounds tasty. What kind of meat?"

"Wet and fatty meat," Goyle said with a bit of a giggle. A few of the audience members joined in on the joke; some of their minds already reaching the gutter.

"What? And biltong sticks?"

"Well, sticks go into the wet and fatty part." Some of the crowd laughed, and some of them cringed. Most of them, though, were still of innocent of mind.

"Wait, hang on. A stick going into a wet and fatty part. You're not a... a... a ..."

"...Gigolo," Goyle finished.

"Goodness, I wasn't expecting that." And neither did the crowd who were laughing heavily out loud.

Then Goyle's hair started to turn a flaming red colour, while his right ear started to disappear. "Blimey should've used stronger Polyjuice, my time is up, I'm going to get caught," the imposter thought. "Look over there, it's Harry Potter," he then cried and then disapparated quickly.

The entire crowd, and studio cameras, faced the direction the imposter pointed to. No one at the Top Broom studio had noticed the slight transformation of the guest, and neither did most of the viewers, except for Harry. "That looked like George."

"I'm going to kill him!" Ginny cried. "My kids had to hear that."

"They've got to learn it sometime," Harry argued.

"Learn what?" Albus said, not really knowing, or caring what a gigolo is.

"Nothing sport," Harry quickly said.

Richard looked at the empty couch in disgust. "Well I guess we can throw away his lap time. Onto you then, Jeremy."

Jeremy Kentson stood tall in white racing robes, near a large door with a sign labelled toilets atop. "Finally I get my turn. I will participate in a race, live in front of our cameras, pitting the bowels of Muggle technology against the magnificence of magic itself. I shall use a Comet 540 broom and some nameless bloke will use an Electrolux vacuum cleaner, because nothing sucks like Electrolux, or a hippogriff in heat.

"This will not be a race in the traditional sense. No one will be 'riding' sticks or anything like that. Nameless Bloke and I will have a race to see how fast we can clean the bathrooms of the Top Broom studio."

"Ewwww," the Potter children chorused.

"You can say that again," Harry quipped.

A camera followed Jeremy as he entered the gents' room while Nameless Bloke led himself into the ladies' room. Both James and Richard were commentating on this honorific sporting event (hey what can I say?)

"And so the two of them are off!" Richard exclaimed. "Jeremy has gotten off to a good start; sweeping up what looks to be shed skin. Hey, snakes do that once and a while. He seems to also be sweeping up marbles; guys seem to lose those too sometimes."

Then James said, "In the ladies' room Nameless Guy has decided to do the 'dirty' first. He's opened a door and..."

"Get out you pervert. GET OUT!" screamed a lady, whose body was blurred out in time for the television.

"Oh, it looks like it was still occupied," James added. "He's now gone onto the next stall, he's set the vacuum to EXT mode and he's blowing bubbles out of the front tube to clean the toilet."

"Jeremy has used his magic prowess to fold the end of his broom into a round cone. He's using the broom as a plunger to unclog the drains, and the urinals too, and, from the looks of it, he'll also have to do the toilets." Richard looked around at the studio audience, facing a group of nodding women. "Are men really that bad?" he asked. The nods became heavier.

"Back with Nameless Guy," James said, "he's caused the toilet to foam over and fill the whole bathroom with bubbles and foam. He's now trying to vacuum everything into the machine."

"Wait, look, Jeremy is trying to unclog one of the toilets," Hamster said. "And... splash... the whole thing has exploded onto Jeremy, he's soaked with, what I can almost say is, Bar One chocolate pudding."

The camera following Jeremy had been completely splashed with some sort of brown substance, while the one following Nameless Guy was completely obscured by bubbles.

"And with that I think Jeremy and Nameless Guy have proven that neither a magical broom nor a vacuum machine will help you clean anything, and certainly not a lavatory. And with ..."

"And with that bombshell it's time to end," Richard stole.

James made several angry gestures to Richard as he said, "You stole my line."

"All is fair in love and war," Hamster said as the credits enveloped the screen. The theme music had changed yet again; this time to an instrumental version of 'Teddy Picker'.

"I don't think I can ever look at anything 'Bar One' the same ever again," James said.

Albus mirrored his brother's sentiment with, "Me neither."

That's when Lily came out of the kitchen. "Bar One Chocolate Cake everyone!" she announced. She took great offence when her brothers threw themselves up the staircase leaving only her parents to try out her creation. How nasty of her brothers.


End file.
